Oh Eric...really??

So, Eric makes it his personal mission to embarrass me, a job at which he takes much pleasure in.

Since we've had kids it's gotten much worse. Whenever he watches the boys he purposefully mis-matches their clothes, and/or makes them have crazy hair.

With the boys camo-themed first birthday (photos to come later) I got some fake tattoos, and have regretted that decision since. Eric has since taken every chance he can to put them on the boys.

First, I asked him to get the boys dressed for their Dr. appointment. Later that night I undressed Carter to get him in ready for bed and found this:

I have to admit I laughed hysterically at first, but then wondered what the Dr. thought since she never said anything about it!

Then, last night we had some very fussy boys, and I occupied one while Eric got the other one dressed in PJs. I came to regret this decision. Right after they were asleep Eric started giggling and said that if the babysitter calls me at work tomorrow that I shouldn't be alarmed. Unfortunately, I knew what was coming.

This is what I found this morning:

Carter with a rank & tank tramp stamp

AND Cooper with a Tank on his leg...AND rank on both arms

If it didn't make me laugh so hard, I'd be mad.

What does your significant other do to embarrass you??

My favorite signs

There are many signs that make us laugh, think, or are simply confusing. Here are a few of my favorites:

I saw this one for the first time this summer in Alabama on our way to Tennessee. So, you've all been warned!

I took a picture of this one when I was in Kona (the big Island)...you just can't help but laugh!

This was Eric's Valentine's Day present a few years ago for the front of his truck!

I picked up this sign while we were at Ft. Benning. I've always wanted one, and they had exactly what I've been imagining! 

**UPDATE: Many people have asked how to get a sign like this.  Send an email to: personallyyours@windstream.net**

This sign is courtesy of my SIL Desiree & MIL Annette. I posted on FB that I was sick of people ringing my doorbell while the boys were sleeping and that I "needed a sign that says Babies sleeping, GO AWAY!" I love you guys, and am lucky you understand me so well! I've been using it for the past 3 weeks, and we've yet to be interrupted during nap time!

Dear Velveeta

To whom it may concern,

Growing up I only knew one kind of Macaroni and Cheese, and it was Kraft. We rarely used it as a side dish, but instead added hamburger meat, corn, & green beans to make it into a meal. I thought I was getting the good stuff until later in life I tasted the sweet nectar that is Velveeta Shells & Cheese. You became a staple in my home for many years, until my hubby and I decided we needed to shed some weight and filed for a restraining order.

Recently, we once again invited you back, but this time we went for the "healthier" option. And let me say...it just plain sucks! It's like you didn't even try! Also, there is only a 30 calorie difference per serving, and when a serving is over 300 calories is it really worth having the 2% variety?

So, I once again ban you from my house because, let's face it, my butt isn't getting any smaller and your low cal food isn't getting any better!

Oh boy, Oh boy

The following takes place between 3 Aug 1800 and 4 Aug 0500 (in the voice of Jack Bauer)

1800
Cooper: Hey Carter, I'm fading fast! Who's gonna wake up first tonight?
Carter: I don't know. I really appreciate you letting me sleep through most of the night though.
Cooper: It's the least I can do bro! Plus, I love getting back at mom for making us watch Gilmore Girls all day.
Carter: I know, right! But, you have to admit, some of those chicks are hotties.
Cooper: "Oy with the poodles, already!"

1900
Cooper: What did you think of those bananas?
Carter: They are so much better than that white stuff we've been getting!
Cooper: True that, but Koa seems to be in attack mode the second the spoon leaves my mouth!

0200
Carter: I am Carter the 1st I am, Carter the 1st I am I am...
Cooper: zzzz zzzz zzzz
(mom enters room)
Carter: Yo wassup momma? I had a great nap and I'm ready to play...why are you stuffing my pacifier back in my mouth?? I WANT TO PLAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

0230
Cooper: I am Cooper the 1st I am, Cooper the 1st I am I am...
Carter: zzzz zzzz zzzz
(mom enters room)
Cooper: Yo momma wassup? I just figured that since Carter finally fell asleep, it was my turn to wake up and play. Don't mind me, I'm just gonna chill in crib and sing to Pooh and the gang. But honestly, that Tigger is kinda freakin me out!

...and the cycle continued until I fed them at 0500, then they both fell asleep til 0630. It was a fun night...

When I took the boys to their 4 month check up (2 weeks late), Cooper weighed in at 15lbs 14oz and Carter at 15lbs 4oz. They are also above the 95th percentile in height at a whopping 27"! I wonder who they get that from :o)

My very first GIVEAWAY!!!

(Can't you just imagine Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch?)

Since it seems that I'm the only one not doing, or entering, giveaways...I thought it was time to jump on the band wagon.

I've put a lot of thought into this, and after many sleepless nights I have decided to give away something very near and dear to my heart. Cool points!!

Yes, you read that right! The winner will receive 18,000 Cool Points (I always handed them out to the kids in my Sunday School class, and knew you would appreciate them as much as they did).

The following tasks are worth one entry (please leave a comment, birthday, & SSN for each entry)
*go next door and tell your neighbor that their haircut sucks
*if you have a dog
*if you think your dog is cooler than mine (must include 500 word essay, single spaced in APA format) *blog about how much you love giveaways (leave link and pin # for your highest limit credit card)
*tweet about the how much you love shoving bamboo shoots up your finger nails (leave link and spouses SSN)
*follow me to the grocery store and push the cart or the double stroller (no need to identify yourself before you run off with the boys)
*friend me on facebook (leave email address and password)
*honk and yell at a random stranger in a foreign language

2 entries
*call your mom and tell her a secret from your teenage years that she doesn't already know
*lick the ground (include picture and birth certificate)
*do the chicken dance in walmart (must include video and mail in passport)

100 entries
*join my blog frog community and don't be offended when I don't follow you back.

Cool points will be sent via ESPN or something (name the movie), no refunds or exchanges.
**Actual value of cool points are 1/100 of a penny, but are infinitely better than any monetary gain.**

A License to Kill

I may be mistaken, but I swear in our wedding vows I heard..."to love, honor, and kill anything that freaks Mary out..." (actually I don't really remember a lot of what was said, but I'm adding this in if we ever decide to renew our vows)

Last night as I stumbled back to bed joyfully returned from the babies' room I realized nature was calling and turned left into our bathroom. This is when the assault started. A horribly nasty, huge, vicious bug was walking across the floor raced towards me. I yelled "Eric, there is a huge bug in the bathroom!!!" (I might want to point out it was 0200). He groaned and rolled over. Again I yelled, "ERIC!!" I was in dire straights with my life hanging in the balance and he was rolling over and groaning, where is the love??

He eventually stormed leisurely walked into the bathroom picked up the monster with some toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet.

All was well in the world...but I couldn't bring myself to use that toilet, so I went into the spare bathroom. I couldn't get the picture out of my mind of this huge bug swimming back up through the pipes to seek it's revenge (I get goosebumps and the shivers just thinking about it).

I thought that killing things was innately driven into the male species, but I guess it has a time clock, without 24 hr support.

I will NOT be mocked!

Dear cat,

I understand that your life is probably not your choosing. It if was up to you, you'd probably be sitting in someones Florida room, sun bathing, while being fed tuna out of a crystal glass. But guess what, life isn't always fair.

Perfect case and point. Is it fair that when my dog thought he was going into his 'safe' (fenced in) backyard, for his morning stroll, that he would be attacked (by you) the minute he made it out the doggy door? Is it fair that I have to clean up cat poop from my front yard or deal with the horrible smell? Is it fair that I have to deal with the smell of cat pee on the roof of my car, or dirty paw prints down my windshield?? I think not!

It took two days, catching your partner in crime yesterday, and you getting the bait without triggering the trap. But today...you will mock me no longer. You laid in my yard all day yesterday and walked around the trap without getting caught. But today, I WIN!

So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu!

How I'm scarring my children for life

I started laughing hysterically when Carter was sucking on his hands so hard that he gagged himself and milk not only came out his mouth, but was shooting out of his nose.

Cooper has such a pretty face, and I've imagined putting a headband with one of those giant bows/flowers and seeing if anyone would be able to tell that he was a boy.

I have been accidentally continuing to call Carter a window licker.

I laughed when Eric was flapping Carter's ears like dumbo and flying him around the living room.

I've given the boys nicknames from characters from Mario Brothers and South Park.

I subject them to the Glee Soundtrack all once a day. And...I sing along and it makes the boys laugh at me smile!!


I don't hold the boys to get them to sleep. I don't have enough arms, and I figure that if they are tired enough, they'll fall asleep without being held.

I let Koa sleep in bed with me, but not the boys.

BUT, I did refuse to let Eric give the boys a high and tight haircut...I told him he had to wait till they were at least 6 mo :o) I should get some points for that, right?

Who's the artist anyway?

This semi-rant is inspired by the hilarious Cheeseboy, as my husband and I were following the resorts 'map' on some local trails. Eric and I went back and forth trying to figure out why we kept getting lost...and here's what we came up with:

Conversation between map illustrator and project manager

Ummm, Mark, I want to start out by saying that your drawing is great.

Thanks dude, I really put my heart and soul into it!

Yes, I can tell...but there is one major issue.

Is it too illustrious for the clientele?

No... it's just that the trails were supposed to be drawn to scale.

And?

Well, although you did a great job...it isn't quite accurate.

It's all about feng shui, dude.

I thought feng shui had to do with arranging furniture?

It's all about the feeling, dude!

[long pause]

Ok, but don't you think people will get lost on the trails if you have them connecting when they really don't?

I knew we would have creative differences, but who's the one with the degree?

Dude, you got it online.

Millions of people get degrees online!

Yes, but yours is from Barbados. Is it even credited in the US?

Dude, Barbados is the US?

Actually, it's not.

Well, you said the map is everything you ever wanted, right?

No.

But doesn't it make you feel one with the Earth just looking at it?

No.

Don't you have a dead line?

Yes.

Okay then, me and your sister will see you Friday night for dinner.

--------------------------------------------------

I recently won an iTunes gift card from the amazing Jessica G. for the Swagger Wagon video that I submitted to make her smile.

This is perfect b/c I'm in desperate need of updating my Gym Jams with some current music that will help keep me motivated to keep walking/jogging in this 95 degree heat here in FL. So, what is that one song on your playlist that always makes you run or push a little harder when you hear it?? I LOVE a good beat, and for quite awhile that song for me has been S.O.S. by Rihanna...not sure why, but it always makes me step up my game when it comes on. What song makes you keep moving??

W.A.S.T.S.

I've decided to form a group, W.A.S.T.S., which stands for Women Against See-Through Shirts. This epidemic must be stopped!

I remember in High School, only 10 short years ago, it was a total scandal when a girl wore a black see-through top with a black bra. People were gossiping the entire day about it and some people even made comments about the type of girl she must be.

Now it seems that all white, and light-colored shirts are paper thin and you are expected to wear any color bra besides white or beige.

Since when did the bra become the most appealing accessory?? I know that most actresses and singers like to show not only their bra, but sometimes their lack of underwear, but since when were they ever really considered role models? And, while watching What Not To Wear on TLC, I know that the hosts would agree with me...it's just tacky.

So, I'm calling all ladies to make a pledge to keep your bra (and underwear...but that's a whole other post) PRIVATE. Spread the word and help me raise awareness!

The curious case of Carter Salmond

You know how baby boys either look like the Gerber baby or like little old men?? I have one of each. Cooper's chubby cheeks scream 'I should be on the label of baby food,' while Carter is very slender and looks wise beyond his years.

As seen in the picture above, Carter was born with a full head of hair...until EXACTLY 4 weeks. That morning, I got both boys ready for their Dr. appt and we headed out. I stripped the boys down to their diapers, as required by military pediatricians, and noticed that Carter looked like he had a receding hairline...but I laughed it off and kept on with my day.

Later that night I made the comment to Eric about his hair line, and neither of us was very concerned. Then, the next morning...he was completely bald on top! I'm talking spit shined, catching the glare from the lights bald!

I racked my brain and was convinced that maybe I had scrubbed his head to hard when bathing him, but Cooper's hair was fine. I was also worried that he would follow the Arnold trend of being almost completely bald on top by age 25, but 1 month was a serious leap.

I'm happy to report that some peach fuzz has broken the surface today, and I promise to no longer make jokes about him being bald, or rubbing his head like a lamp and making wishes. But I will, however, make him sport some cute hats until his rug has comes in completely :o)

Unpaid Internship available, apply within

Wanted:
2nd pair of arms

Qualifications:
Female (lesbians welcome, and even encouraged)
Experience with children preferred (but you won't be left on your own for quite some time b/c you could be a serial killer for all I know!)
Must have usable arms (as the boys are growing at an exponential rate)

Job Description:
Hold screaming babies
Feed screaming babies
Change diapers of screaming babies
Snuggle happy babies (when they are sleeping)

Benefits:
Being around me (and soaking up my awesomeness)
Room & Board (i.e. my couch, and scavenging for food b/c I don't cook)
Savings plan (since this experience is the best birth control on the market, you can save all that money to buy cute shoes and sushi)
Weight Loss Program (if there is no time to sleep, there is definitely no time to eat)
...did I mention being around me??

**Although there is no college credit offered, as of right now, the experiences that you encounter will aid in shaping you into either an amazing person that can deal with anything...or having a mental breakdown which inevitably will land you in a psych facility wearing a straight jacket while rocking back and forth in the fetal position talking about "the pretty birds."**

A life long addiction

I feel a personal obligation to help blow the lid off of something that has been kept quiet for far too long...milk-aholicism.

I've seen this first hand with my boys. They will cry, scream, and make your life miserable unless you enable their habit. And once the sweet nectar touches their lips that are consumed with a high that I'm sure is as strong as cocaine. Then, they become so intoxicated that their bodies go limp and they appear to be in a coma-like state...until the high is gone, and the cycle starts all over again.

I would like to thank eTrade for their brave new campaign that helps call attention to this worldwide issue.



You've all been warned...

Happy early Valentine's Day!

Eric and I seem to have an Army mandated tradition, we are never together on Valentine's Day. Out of the 9 we've shared, only 2 have been in person. He was either deployed, TDY at a school, or for the past couple years he's been in the swamps with the Ranger students.

This year we were excited that he had the day off...until 4 days ago, and now he will be at work all day. So, we cashed in a $25 gift certificate to a local steak house and had an early dinner on Friday to celebrate. And...he loves his gift, can't you tell?Also, it snowed here in Florida! Can you believe it? It started as sleet in the early afternoon, then we had huge flakes for about an hour...then it stopped and all melted away before 6pm. It was funny driving around because people were standing on their porches in flip flops (or bare foot) and tank tops holding a video camera...the last time it snowed here was over 20 years ago. I did find out Koa is NOT a fan of snow, as shown in the picture below. He ran outside, then ran even faster back through the doggy door. But, if you look closely, you can see the snowflake on his back :o)
Happy Valentine's Day everyone, and I'll probably do another post after my appointment with the Perinatalogist on Tuesday...because bedrest is really boring and I don't have much else to talk about.

Valentine's Day

I realized last week that Valentine's Day was creeping up when Eric and I were joking that maybe the boys would be born that day (I'm totally in the not wanting to be pregnant anymore stage).

So, with limited funds I started searching for something fun to get him this year. Normally I go with the newest Xbox game, but he has started pre-ordering those, and they are over $60! In the past, he has joked that he was going to get me a personalized license plate with a scuba flag & diver in the background with the words "I like it deep." While thinking about this I had a great idea! And here is what I came up with:
With the recent purchase of a car, we decided that he would start driving the truck to work b/c of the dirt roads, so I think it will contrast nicely with the all-black truck...don't you??

No worries, he doesn't read my blog. AND I spent less than $30, and it arrived in less than a week! Here is where I got it.

What are you getting your special someone this year?

Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby

While shopping at Wal-Mart or Publix, I often find myself grabbing the generic brand of almost everything because I can be quite frugal. This is often the better choice because of the price difference, and most times the brand name product isn't visibly that different. I practically lived off of the Publix brand of Diet Ginger Ale the first 15 weeks of this pregnancy, and don't mind grabbing a Wal-Mart brand soda if it is available.

I'm not sure if you could call them "cravings," but there are certain things that I have started to prefer. Orange anything being the main offender. I have always loved orange juice, but now I have to keep Sunny D in my fridge and a case of Diet Sunkist in the pantry.

Our last trip to the store I decided to give the cheaper brand a try:


They are both the most disgusting soda ever!! I don't have to worry about them going to waste because Eric will eat or drink anything that hasn't spoiled, but now I'm CRAVING 'good' orange and grape soda.

So, take heed, and stay away from these drinks!!! Your mouth will thank you!

What off brand have you bought, and then regretted???

Now, they're smiling!

About a year ago I did a post about how babies were out to get me. I thought I had a very good point, and I am currently believing my initial thoughts more and more each day.

Babies used to just glare at me with blank stares, and now they are smiling and waving. I know that can't be a coincidence! The word is out that I'm finally pregnant, and I think it's the fact that I'm having twins that makes a few of them wave :o) So, babies of the world, I hope this is a truce, and you won't use your telepathy to tell the twins to misbehave...please!

Catching up

When Eric and I left Florida at the beginning of the month, we left behind sunny skies & warm weather. I packed the few sweaters I could still fit around my belly and headed for the land of rain & cold. I was able to survive after a trip to Motherhood Maternity where I got some long sleeved shirts, and a sweater. Then I was teased when I arrived home with 2 days of warm weather, but right now it is 36 degrees outside!!! But, I need to look at the bright side...at least it isn't raining :o)

While in Washington we went to Seattle to visit Pike's Place Market, which was interesting. First, if you've ever been pregnant I know you understand that I have to pee every 20 minutes. So, when Eric's uncle said, "hey, there's a restroom" I automatically said, "I could pee." But these are 'special' because I assume they couldn't afford to pay for an entire door...so this is the compromise (FYI, that is my SIL, I wasn't randomly photographing strangers on the toilet, even though it could have been really easy):

And here is a mung fish. While I was trying to take a picture my SIL went up to the guy & asked him to make it move to freak me out...but he took too long, and freaked out some other female tourist :o)
This is a pretty fountain that by the water:
And here is my Sexy Beast looking 'thoughtful':
Last, but not least, here is my 17 week pregnant belly. I'm not posting this to show off my rocking preggo body (even though I know EVERYONE is jealous), but some people have actually asked me to post a picture. So, look away if you must...but I honestly never thought the time would come when something other than my chest blocked the site of my feet! (DISCLAIMER: Eric took the picture but wouldn't tell me when he was taking it, so many were taken with my mouth open, and I never knew when to smile...then he was done being the camera man. This was honestly the best one!)

The truth will set you free!

On my recent trip I made a quick trip with my sisters Cathy & Sarah to a gas station that we thought they had lost their cell phone at. I was apologizing to them when we got in the car because I looked so amazing that they would pale in comparison...in my normal sarcastic way.

We got the gas station and had to wait for the cashier to have a free minute to check the back, so I stocked up on Diet Pepsi & grabbed a Rockstar for the next day's travel home.

When I was standing off to the side a little boy that had Down Syndrome ran up to me & said, "You're Hot!" He then ran away and the girls asked me what he said and I told them he said 'it's hot' because I didn't want to embarrass him.

I was next in line and the boy came back with his mom, and she kept saying something to him quietly and he shouted again, "You're hot" while looking at me. The mom said, "they are all pretty" and the little boy gets angry & pushes his mom and shouts, "Not them, Her!"

We teased each other the whole way back to the house & they preceded to tell everyone what happened. Personally, I don't care who said it because I will gladly wear the title of 'Hottie'

Disclaimer: While I love to walk around and joke with my friends & family that I am probably the most humble person in the world, and am way too cool to be cocky (like in my URL) I know I am no super model...this just provides me the opportunity to express my love of sarcasm. I mean, think about it, people already flock to me for my good looks so you have to have a sparkling, witty personality to keep them around :o)

This message is brought to you by the letters W, T, & F

•Last Monday getting the phone call @ 0445 that Eric's dad had a massive hemorrhagic stroke

•Spending $1200 on last minute plane tickets to Seattle to fly out Tuesday morning using Delta, Alaska, Northwest, & American Airlines

•Actual Delta announcement: "we are fortunate here @ Delta to have the best pilots, but unfortunately they are also the worst drivers, so please stay seated until we are done taxing off the runway"

•Finding a human shock collar for snoring in sky mall catalog

•Paying $20 in the Denver airport for 2 sandwiches

•Actual Pilot announcement: "we're arriving in Seattle w/ beautiful weather, 56 degrees with a light rain"

•Seeing a drunk/tired/bewildered Danny Glover in SeaTac

•Reserving a Pontiac G6, and getting a PT Cruiser

•High temp of 51 degrees in May

•Being in Seattle during my graduation in FL

•Paying $2.56 a gallon for unleaded

•Frantically waking up b/c I thought a bug was crawling up my arm, only to find Eric's niece smiling with her hand under the covers

•Still thinking that everyone is 2 hours behind me, and calling Vanessa from the West coast @ 11:30pm in FL

•Having to pay for parking everywhere you go

•Having to watch 'old greg' everyday b/c Eric has to show it to everyone

•Hearing Jump Smokers song "My flow so tight" & hearing the lyrics: "my flow so tight & beat so sick, chris brown should get his ___ kicked"

•Eric's same 3yr old niece pulling her out old potty chair & using it in the middle of the living room

•Peeling out on the steep hills of Seattle in the rain

•Having a homeless chick walk into Jack in the Box to ask for money for calamine lotion for her "poison ivy" ...then almost getting mugged by 2 different bums in Seattle in a matter of 10 min

•Taking Hwy 512 to Hwy 167 to I-405 to I-5, just to get to Seattle (32 miles away) for 7 days

•SEATTLE TRAFFIC!!!!!!!!!!!

•Lady in seat next to me complain about a guy on her last flight talking about surfing the whole flight & how annoying it was...then she preceded to talk to anyone that would listen to her during our entire flight

•Finding a stow away during the final departure checks out of Denver & having to taxi back to the gate to kick her off

•Having to pay $68 for parking at the Pensacola airport for 8 days

•Coming home Tuesday night, to leave Thursday for my brother's graduation in MO