A very heavy heart

Most of you know my stance on babies...but what most of you might not understand is that I really do want to have kids.

Up until last December I always had the view point that I would have kids one day...just not now. So, it came as a shock that I started feeling ready to have kids. One of my biggest fears was to find out I was pregnant and be upset about it...I really wanted to be at a place in my life that I could be excited about adding to our family, and I finally felt like it was happening.

So, being the studious Nursing Student that I am, I busted open my Maternal Nursing book and calculated what I needed to add to my diet, went to the doctor and changed many of my medications, and gave up caffeine. I would have to say that the caffeine was the hardest, but I adjusted and was doing fine.

My doc said not to be surprised if I didn't get pregnant right away, but I was very disappointed the first fews months when it didn't happen. But, we kept trying and I am usually right on track with my monthly cycle, so when I was late in March I took a test, and it was negative...then the next day, negative, and the next day was negative. The following day I went was going to a local Middle School to do a presentation about Tobacco use with two of my Nursing buddies, and Vanessa insisted that I take another test. She was so insistent that at lunch she went and bought me one...the digital kind just to be sure. So, in the middle school bathroom we found out I was pregnant. I was so excited!!!

On the way home I went and bought an Army baby bib, and handed it to Eric as I walked in the door, and he was so happy and automatically started calling all his family. I, on the other hand, was nervous about telling people in case something happened b/c I didn't want to have to call everyone back and explain if something went wrong.

And it did.

About 5 days later the cramping and bleeding began, and my heart broke. I had taken all the precautions, and I felt completely powerless. I had already disclosed the pregnancy to the school b/c you have to, but Vanessa was a trooper and spread the news to my instructors to save me from the tears. Everyone that knew was so incredibly supportive, to which I am eternally grateful for.

This is one of the main reasons I have been so absent from the wonderful world of blogging over the past 2 months. Everyone has been announcing their pregnancies, and it was hard for me.

This Sunday was very hard seeing that the only other young couple in the ward is now pregnant...so now we're alone once more in being the only couple in the ward without kids. I know it's not a competition...but it was comforting knowing that I wasn't the only one.

We aren't sure when we'll start trying again, so please don't ask. I just needed to put this out there as part of my own cathartic healing...this way no one can see my tears.