Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A very heavy heart

Most of you know my stance on babies...but what most of you might not understand is that I really do want to have kids.

Up until last December I always had the view point that I would have kids one day...just not now. So, it came as a shock that I started feeling ready to have kids. One of my biggest fears was to find out I was pregnant and be upset about it...I really wanted to be at a place in my life that I could be excited about adding to our family, and I finally felt like it was happening.

So, being the studious Nursing Student that I am, I busted open my Maternal Nursing book and calculated what I needed to add to my diet, went to the doctor and changed many of my medications, and gave up caffeine. I would have to say that the caffeine was the hardest, but I adjusted and was doing fine.

My doc said not to be surprised if I didn't get pregnant right away, but I was very disappointed the first fews months when it didn't happen. But, we kept trying and I am usually right on track with my monthly cycle, so when I was late in March I took a test, and it was negative...then the next day, negative, and the next day was negative. The following day I went was going to a local Middle School to do a presentation about Tobacco use with two of my Nursing buddies, and Vanessa insisted that I take another test. She was so insistent that at lunch she went and bought me one...the digital kind just to be sure. So, in the middle school bathroom we found out I was pregnant. I was so excited!!!

On the way home I went and bought an Army baby bib, and handed it to Eric as I walked in the door, and he was so happy and automatically started calling all his family. I, on the other hand, was nervous about telling people in case something happened b/c I didn't want to have to call everyone back and explain if something went wrong.

And it did.

About 5 days later the cramping and bleeding began, and my heart broke. I had taken all the precautions, and I felt completely powerless. I had already disclosed the pregnancy to the school b/c you have to, but Vanessa was a trooper and spread the news to my instructors to save me from the tears. Everyone that knew was so incredibly supportive, to which I am eternally grateful for.

This is one of the main reasons I have been so absent from the wonderful world of blogging over the past 2 months. Everyone has been announcing their pregnancies, and it was hard for me.

This Sunday was very hard seeing that the only other young couple in the ward is now pregnant...so now we're alone once more in being the only couple in the ward without kids. I know it's not a competition...but it was comforting knowing that I wasn't the only one.

We aren't sure when we'll start trying again, so please don't ask. I just needed to put this out there as part of my own cathartic healing...this way no one can see my tears.

17 comments:

SO said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. :( Keep coming here and sharing if you feel the need. We are here for you.

Sonya said...

Oh Mary...I'm so sorry! :( My thoughts and prayers are with you...My heart just hurts for you. I've been there, I know how you feel. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, and my son was stillborn at 22 weeks. I know the pain and I so wish you weren't having to travel this journey...If you need to talk, I'd be more than happy to listen. (((Hugs)))

Jillene said...

I am so sorry Mary!! You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you find the comfort that you need at this time.
{{{{HUGS}}}}

Erin said...

That is so hard Mary. I'm sorry. I'll be thinking & praying for you.

Mrs. Jacqueline said...

Honey, I am so sorry for your loss. I've had miscarriages and am dealing with secondary infertility right now- I totally get it when you say it's hard to see everyone ELSE in the freakin world pregnant.

Don't apologize to US for being absent, we all love you. It's natural to retreat into yourself for a while. But I'm glad you decided to write about your troubles- getting it out on (virtual) paper helps a LOT>

Kristina P. said...

Mary, I am so sorry and thinking about you.

You should really email Brittany. I know she would be more than happy to talk to you.

Becky said...

I wish I could hug you over the Internet. I'm so sorry things turned out that way. And I promise I won't be announcing a pregnancy any time soon. So you are safe with me.

STILLMAGNOLIA said...

My heart and prayers are with you Mary. I am so sorry. I want you to know that if I were close enough I would hug you good and tight. You are safe with me too. God bless you sweetheart.

Brittany Marie said...

Oh Mary, I'm SO sorry to hear this. Please email me!

Mary said...

Thanks for all the great thoughts. I'm doing better now...but I just felt the need to vent. Thanks ladies!

Wendyburd1 said...

((HUGS)) Mary, I am so sorry! I am here for you if you need me, know that! You can talk to me about anything and I will listen! ((HUGS))

Michelle said...

We love you Merla!!!

Jen said...

Oh my... when you posted that comment on my blog, I thought you were talking about something that happened a long time ago that I missed because I didn't know you yet. I had no idea it was so recent! I'm sorry. Feel free to vent it out to your blog readers, we're all supporting you! ((hugs))

Dan and Sheila said...

Oh Mary, I am so so sorry. When my mom told me that you had just lost your baby I felt so bad. I Just wanted to let you know that I really am so sorry. I know what you mean when you say, you see everyone around you pregnant. It hurts so much. I am glad that you are feeling better, but just know that our family is here for you and Eric, and we love you guys. Your in our prayers and call if you need anything. We love you!

Jessica G. said...

Come here, Mary, I'll hold you!
I am so sorry that this happened to you. We tried for three years to get pregnant and I cannot tell you how many times people said the cruelest things to us, calling me selfish for not having children, demanding to know when we would start our family, etc. They had no idea what we were going through. No idea about the painful procedures, endless testing and unnumbered tears over each negative result. No idea.

Grandma Arnold said...

My dearest Mary,

How I love you and would gladly take your sadnes and sorrow from you, if I only could! My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you were able to share your thoughts and feelings through this venue. I am so happy for you, on another note, with the news you shared only yesterday. Love and prayers go out to you today and always. Mom

Queenie Jeannie said...

Oh Mary! I'm so sorry!!!! Tons of love and prayers sent for you both. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.